Lately, I just feel like the fat kid that can't get her act together. It's REALLY getting annoying. I think I'm going to start eating half of whatever I'm eating. Sounds like a plan to me.
Oh, and after I quit my job, I realized that I really like a guy that works there. We'll call him. . . Secret Agent Man. Sam for short. So, this "Sam" is super funny, kinda cute, and the downside . . .he's 21. I mean he's dated younger than me before. Like a year younger than me. But, last night he walked me to my car and stuff and we goofed around and he's just REALLY sweet! Gosh. . . always falling for the guys I can't have. I only say that about this one because he has a girlfriend. . . I think. But, I'm pretty sure they broke up. But, I'm not sure. I'll ask Jessi. She'll know.
Anyway, Sara's coming to get me so we can hang out. See ya!

Gosh I hate being bipolar. I mean, I guess most people don't love it. But, whatever. I have had an AMAZING day! Then, I come home. Sit down at the computer and BAM! Bad mood. I feel like crying. And sleeping. At the same time. I probably just need to sleep it off. But, once I hit the bed, I'll be wide awake. That's the way it usually works.
So, I've ate like a pig today. I think I'm just going to half everything I eat. Pour water on the rest of it or something. I dunno. But I'm fat and right now I feel horrible about myself. Maybe it's just the lack of endorphins. Maybe I should go to the doctor so I can get diagnosed and get some Prozac or something. No insurance. So, that won't work. Oh well! I'll just deal with my "shiny happy fits of rage" myself. That's a quote from a Moldy Peaches song, in case you didn't know. That's how I describe my ups and downs. It works.
I think I'm going to try and sleep this off. Maybe it'll work. Gosh I hope so.

Okay, so i'm going to type this, then go do my trig. . . I promise! Today has been a pretty ridiculously good day. This made me happy:

this is the definition of an indie guy according to Urban Dictionary

Indie Guy

A guy who falls under the criteria of being 'Indie' Usually sports the long, messed up hair that looks as if they haven't bothered to fix it, which is the style that they've been trying to achieve in the first place. Fashion wise, coats and scarves are often worn, with the ocassional trilby hat here and there. Do not forget the jeans, the most common cut are the skinny legs, but sometimes they are not quite skinny legs but more of a straight cut. Indie guys are the hottest guys, but please never EVER mistake them for being the same as emo. Indie Girl: Whoa, check out that guy... Onlooker: That guy? He looks like he just woke up, the sun's out and he's wearing a scarf! Indie Girl: He's so Indie. Onlooker: You like emos? Indie Girl: I'm sick of people mistaking Indies for Emos, firstly Emo will never catch up to Indie's greatness and sense off individuality and secondly, Indie guys don't go off putting eyeliner on and cutting themselves whenever the world doesnt go their way. Onlooker: ...

It made me ridiculously happy. You don't even know.

I've been online looking at clothes and stuff and I REALLY have to lose some weight to be able to wear the clothes I want. I think I'll put some of them in here. For inspiration. Some of the t-shirts I just thought were cool and I would have to be smaller to wear the girls version of it. Which I want to do cause they have prettier colors:


t-shirt.
makes me happy.
marie antoinette is a REALLY good movie by the way.
this shirt is from indie shirts.


okay, the next few are from delia's.
i LOVE delia's, but they only go up to an XL.
which will not accommodate my large bosoms.




yeah, scrubs is about to come on.
so that's all for now!

p.s. idlewild is AMAZING!
you should go listen to them.
and the moldy peaches.

So much water! I haven't even drank all eight glasses of water today, but I feel like I've drank a TON of water! I failed my six weeks trig. test. I made a 65. I have to take another test tomorrow. Then, we have another one Friday. Gosh, I cannot WAIT for this school year to be over. I want to be a senior, graduate, and go to college. I really wanna get out of this town for a few years. I need some change. I HATE the monotony of high school!

I guess I did pretty decent today. I still did pretty bad at lunch. But, I'm workin' on it. I have to make up a trig. test tomorrow. . . urgh. Gosh I hate that class. It's like a whole semester where I have NO idea what's going on. . . yet, I come out of it with an A or B. Strange.
We got information on senior pictures today. I hate money. They're ridiculously priced! But, I know that if I don't get them through the school, I won't get them at all. Once I get a new job, (last day at the wonderful world of Old Navy is Saturday!!! YAY!) I'm going to have to start a separate savings account just for senior year. I also have a cruise to pay for next year! There goes five hundred bucks! Add about three or four hundred for invitations, cap and gown, all that jazz and it's going to be close to, if not more than, a thousand dollars. GAH! I hate money. Everywhere I've been to look for a job they've said that they'll be hiring more in a month or two. I don't need a job in a month or two, I need a job now! My insurance is due in about a month and I have no idea how I'm gonna pay it. Did I mention I hate money?

starting over.

Everyone needs a new beginning. This is mine. It's time to change. I'm sick of being the fat kid. I've probably said that twenty times before, but this time. . . i mean it. Okay, so i've probably said that twenty times too. But I do mean it this time!
I'm using the ideas of Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin" program. Here are the "Four Golden Rules":

When you are hungry, EAT.

Why would anyone eat if they weren’t hungry?

Because it is simply a habit. Many people are so desensitized to their body’s messages that they’ve forgotten how to pay attention. Real physical hunger is different to emotional hunger (which we will deal with later). Physical hunger comes on gradually. Emotional hunger comes on suddenly, when you feel bored or upset. If you starve youself you will end up bingeing. That’s how your body gets thrown off balance. In future when you feel physical hunger, eat! When you starve yourself your body goes into ‘survival mode’, it slows your metabolism and your body starts to store fat. When you eat when you are truly hungry you tell your body there will always be enough food and your metabolism is likely to speed up.

The Hunger Scale

Take a few moments right now to look at the hunger scale and tune in to your body. How hungry are you right now? Each person is different, but as a general rule, you want to eat whenever you notice yourself between 3 and 4 on the scale – that is when you are fairly hungry, but before you become ravenous. If you wait until you get down to one or two your body will go into starvation mode and you’ll end up probably eating more than your body needs and storing the excess as fat. Ideally, you’ll want to stop eating at right around 6 or 7 on the hunger scale – when you are feeling pleasantly satisfied or full but not yet stuffed or bloated.

From now on never go into the RED areas!

Of course, if you have been a serial dieter you may be so used to overriding your body’s signals that you may at times ‘forget to eat’ until you’re ravenous or keep eating until you’re full or even stuffed before noticing it’s time to stop.

If you think this might be you, practise tuning in to your body once an hour until you begin to notice differences between different points on the scale. The more you practise tuning in to your own hunger, the sooner you’ll be able to recognize your body’s subtle signals long before your stomach growls and your brain starts to get fuzzy.

Eat what you want, not what you think you should.

As soon as you tell yourself to not eat certain foods, (usually because you’ve been told they’re bad for you), you upset the natural balance of your relationship to them. Rather than wanting it less, that ‘forbidden food’ instantly becomes more attractive to you. The inner battle between your positive intention and your resistance to being controlled (even by yourself) can be exhausting. As you begin to make peace with food and learn to listen to the wisdom of your body, you experience freedom from the tension and guilt that comes from NOT following your intuition.

Also, as you stop resisting and start to follow your natural intuitions about what to eat when, you may notice your tastes changing. You may even find yourself naturally attracted to the very foods you’re ‘supposed’ to be eating now.

So in future eat what types of foods you want and not what you think you should.

Eat CONSCIOUSLY and enjoy every mouthful

People that are overweight often shovel food in to their mouths as quickly as possible in order to get high from the happy chemicals we release in our brains when we eat. Unfortunately, because they are eating unconsciously, they never notice the signal from their stomach that lets them know that they are full. So they keep on stuffing their faces, expanding their stomachs and putting on weight.

The problem is that even though they feel temporarily high from cramming in lots of food, they feel fat and guilty afterwards. In fact, they feel so bad that they repeat the whole ritual of unconsciously stuffing themselves again in order to anaesthetize the bad feelings they just created!

Here is perhaps the single most important key to success with my system:

You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want. So long as you fully enjoy every single mouthful.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Put the knife and fork down whilst you are chewing your food and really enjoy it - savour the taste, and enjoy the wonderful textures and sensations as you thoroughly chew each mouthful of food at least 20 times!

If all you did for the next two weeks was to slow your eating speed down to about a quarter of what it used to be and chew each mouthful thoroughly, you will find it easy to leave food on your plate.

When you think you are full, STOP eating.

The natural design of the human body is to eat when we’re hungry and stop when we’re satisfied, but many of us are conditioned to eat until we think we’re full - or even worse, until whatever food we put on our plate is gone. When you’ve eaten enough, your stomach sends a signal – a sensation that says “I’m satisfied – that’s enough.” Most people experience this gentle, clear, satisfied sensation in their solar plexus (the area below your rib cage but above your stomach).

Of course, if you miss this warm feeling of satisfaction when it first occurs, you’ll notice that each subsequent bite of food becomes a little less enjoyable than the one before. The more you pay attention to it, the more obvious it becomes. If you are not sure whether you are full or not, just guess. You will soon find it becomes easier to tell.

Can it really be this simple?

Yes! Let’s review the four elements of the system:

1. Eat whenever you are hungry
2. Eat only what you want, never what you think you ‘should’
3. Eat consciously and enjoy every mouthful
4. Stop when you even think your body is full
   

This is all from his website. Click Here.

I did pretty decent today.
I do have problems stopping at lunch though. It's like, it's there. . . eat it ya cupcake!
Sara and I went to the Blue Moose and I only ate half of my cheeseburger, a few fries, and we had some really groovy queso dip. I still ate too much. I felt really full.
I really want to start jogging/running. I posted a question on a message board i go to a lot (this one) about how to start running. I mean, i know how to run. But, I get out of breath and have to stop pretty quickly. I need to know how to start conditioning my body for it.
Well, that's all for now.